Daring to dream again

It has been awhile since I sat by the phone, waiting for an anticipated message that never came, because I learned the hard way that "If one does not have any expectations, then one shall not be easily disappointed"

And so I waited with no expectations and accepted that fact with no arguments.

It has been awhile since I waited for that call, waiting for an anticipated call with the voice of a loved one on the other end asking about how my day has been, and wanting to hear all about it.

Not because if was interesting, but just because...

And so I waited to hear that voice that faded away, which ended with a cold text message on a lonely day.

It has been awhile since I sat in the car, waiting to go out and spend time with someone that means so much to me...

I can keep driving and driving with them beside me holding my hand, only to stop to fill the car with gas and our bellies with food before hitting the road again. It didn't matter how far the journey was, it just mattered that you were beside me...

And so now I drive alone with a shadow of a memory on my long drives, not stopping till I reach my destination because I have nothing to stop for.

Yet now, I feel hope.

That I am able to free myself from these chains of misery and regret.

To realize that I deserved better and that I had been giving and not receiving as much in return after all this while...

To call anyone and go out with anyone because there is no one to be annoyed with the fact that I was going out with another person to begin with when they left...

To sit in the car and ponder outside at the sunset why I took in all that expectation, insult and ridicule and still not realize I deserved more...

And yet there is hope~

I hope so....

Fai fai No-Reason's weather forecast: (I haven't done this in awhile...)
The dark ominous clouds have started to move with the passing wind... and a familiar face comes back to give a hand. I reach out in hopes that we can more forward together~
The storm already left me weary, but I pledge what remaining trust I have in this, and hope for the best

Too tired to do anything~

How is it possible that regardless of how much I try to forget how much pain I have endured for the past 6 months, it just keeps coming back?

How is it possible that what was there just died off with a single message?

What was I thinking all those years...


There was a time.. (still do actually) that I used to thing think that happiness if a finite thing.

The theory I had was, is that a person is only allowed to be happy only so much in his/her life.
Maybe they would be having happy childhood, before something happened later on.
Or maybe that person suffered at the hands of the lamentable daily chore we called 'homework' before getting happier with the results achieved and moving on to become a successful person in working life?

An interesting thing to note here, is that this theory applied to EVERYTHING that we see, hear and experience in our daily lives.
As such, you can see here where my dilemma lies, as if this particular 'rule' applies to EVERYTHING, if will happen to me sooner or later~

I was happy for the past 6 years, truly it was a miracle~
That I cruised through my MBBS with not repeating a year, despite my mediocre knowledge, skill and attitude.
I made it through my HOship without experiencing any major hickups and made it possible for me to stand on my own 2 feet without depending on anyone.
I thought my life was getting somewhere now that I have the means to actually do something, especially financially and time wise, since I am finally a medical officer....


and yet...


I feel empty...
I no longer feel what if feels like to feel accomplished anymore.
To be happy just to get that one text message.
I no longer bother meeting people, for fear of rejection and abandonment.
Although I have stayed back those 2 years, in the end I was just taken for a ride and before I know it, it was over just like that~
Who am I to go around bothering people, when I have no longer the right to be happy over such things again?

I feel like I have run out of this finite thing we call 'happiness'?

What is it to be friends?

I just spend some time watching this simple movie~
Granted its not everyone's cup of tea, but the main purpose of the movie is simple enough

A simple question was asked throughout the movie on which the main character constantly ponders...
"Is there a special criteria needed to being friends?"
"What does it mean to be a friend?"
Well.. along those lines (paraphrasing here okaay? toe-may-toe / toe-mah-toe, same thing~)
and yet, he just trudges along and somehow everything got to be okay.
How so?
He chooses to face everyone and own up to his mistakes that he has done in the past.

but then again, the main character has the privilege of having done something wrong to reflect on~

and here I am still pondering why my careful considerations and actions are taken as 'insignificant' and cast aside as 'fear of the unknown' overturns a person's better judgement~

but then again, I am not the main character....

never have been...


never will be~

Piece~

I want you to want me... is that weird?

It was that response again...
Every time I get such a response from anyone else, it didn't matter, but with you, it stung so hard that in the future I'll admit here that I started thinking and considered what I typed before I sent them to you...
Since when did I started being so non-transparent with you?
Since when?

Everyone else would have just gave some encouraging words when I was down...
but with you, I felt like a long sincere hug and some words of encouragement from time to time would do me wonders.
And when I didn't hear from you at all and pointed it out, you said that I don't know what is going on with you and you have other problems as well...
Then I tried to refrain myself from finding you when I was feeling down, hopeless or crashing into the abyss...
Since when did I have to sty away from you to keep you happy?
Since when?

We used to laugh at dumb things, where we have our own 'inside' joke which a 3rd party who is in the conversation will not be able to pin point our exact reference so as to understand why it was funny in the first place~
I would tell you almost anything that I wanted without any restrain because I know they are safe with you.
I would just open up and let my deepest worries and fears to you because somehow I get a feeling that you will understand...
Now every time I want to voice out something, I have to take your feelings into consideration and gauge the mood before I can say anything...
Since when did I have to be so careful around you?
Since when?

Since when.....

Fast food

Here I was, minding my own business in my room after a 40 minute indoor cycling while watching Jurassic park 3 which I just downloaded the other day, while munching on 2 packets of maggi when my hsemate waltzes in and asks if I would like to tag along to Mcd to try the new variant Spicy chicken deluxe burger.
Omg...
How can I resist....
Maybe I'll just tag along and get desert...
That's it....
I hope...
God give me strength to resist the temptation to eat more....
XD
(30 minutes later)
yerp... what was I thinking... just desserts, lol....

Spending money

Hie guyZ~

Me ish broke at the moment.
Not to say that I have no money at all, lol no, but, let's say that I have things to pay off every month before I can actually spend on myself... Obligations like the monthly rent, internet and phone bills, utility bills, grocery... stuffs like that...

It was someone burfday a few days ago, someone special to me.
For as long as I can remember, burfdays seemed to hold no special meaning to me.
Those days were like any other days, just plain and simple.
Since last year, burfdays seems as bleak as dull as usual, but with that special someone, you tend to hope you are able to spend that entire day with them and hope it never ends.
That someone that you'd do things simply just to make them happy.

I know I promised to blog more often with proper pics, but this lonely feelings and depression don't seem to be very inspiring at the moment, so I will spare my blog readers (if I still have any) of such details.
The next 2 weeks or so will be extremely depressing and lonely, for multiple reasons... All of which I will have to deal with myself and make sure I don't binge eat out of depression and gain back my fitness and shape.

That's all for now, piece~

People who don't deserve it~

Hie there~
After a 6-7 hour journey up north driving in the car, you tend to start thinking on things that make you a bit more... let's say... sentimental...
Lately I have been treated in such a way that I realize that people no longer give that appreciation when someone sticks around in another's time of need.
Come on let's face it, name any situation...
Needing a shoulder to cry on when one breaks up in a relationship,
Needing a friend to come along in the middle of nowhere because one's car broke down,

Needing a familiar face to help when one gets involved in a car accident and is at loss on what to do next,
Needing a lift to the bus station as one is unable to reserve or book a taxi to send one to the bus stop in time,
Needing a friend to just simply lend an ear where one can just rant and talk away all their problems without the faintest doubt that none of it will be regurgitated back to a 3rd party...

All of this... totally gone these days~
I saw this today and it kinda reminded me on my thoughts earlier this morning...

Right?
Why should I care if I am no longer needed?
I shouldn't stick around if I am clearly not wanted or remembered yes?
but then again, here lies the dilemma...
What if the person wants you around but then again has other commitments to worry about as well?

Wait....

Shouldn't I matter enough that the person be worried and concerned about me?

Thus people, this is in the end and invalid topic after all...
There are no alternatives, for it just shows if one matter, or none at all...

Piece~

Simple things that count~

Things haven't been going as planned recently...
but then again, I guess I have come to the conclusion that pretty much everything is never under our control, so we have to constantly improvise and keep up with  what is happening around us to fit it...

So hey guyZ, hope things are going well at the moment?
Week after next week would be the start of my finals for year 4, and still I have yet to start on full gear for my revision..
Well, it's not like I have been totally stagnant, I have been reading bits of here and there at the moment, whatever tickled my fancy...
but I really have to get myself started as soon as possible...
maybe it's because i have other things occupying my mind at the moment~

Yesterday was my first long run after quite some time...
My pedometer on my hand phone clocked a 5+km in 35 minutes and coupled with 60 leg raises and 60 push ups, can't say I was in the fittest state but it felt good to break a sweat and not think of anything but rather concentrating on how far more can I run, or completing the next rep to complete the set...

No....


The moment I stopped running, my worries and fears come back to me...
Things that I worry about come rushing back to the front of my mind, as it the momentum of my run was keeping it at the back of my head, and now that I have stopped, there is nothing holding it back from resurfacing and reoccupying my thoughts.
If only I can just keep running... until I could no longer run or at least be able to outrun my fears...

But then there are somethings that you care about...
There are things that no matter how much you'd try to block them out, they remain in place, as if carved in stone and no matter what you do, it will forever be there, ever present...
What are those things you ask?

About those you care about..
About those you worry about...
About that small statement that someone close to you mentioned carelessly...
About that person who has been there for you...
About your family...
About your brothers and sisters...
About being there for someone special to you...
About keeping a promise...
About being dependable to those dear to you...

and the list goes on...

They say a person's true character and feelings will only show when they are at their weakest point, or when they feel that they no longer have a choice and they have to make a desperate choice...
What would they choose?
What would they do?

I fear that question every time my subconscious asks me that...
After all... who am I?

Piece~

Choices in people

People tend to be close to those that matter to them, yesh that is a fact.
HOWEVER when they start to realize that they are just an option and that the said people can live without them, somewhere along the line they may start thinking," Am I even a priority? or just an option?"
Do understand that the word "option" here does not denote that there are multiple choices or selections to be chose from, no, definitely not.
In this context, one has to understand that being treated "like an option" signifies that the said person in question if not given the appreciation or gratitude due when one claims to threat another as a "priority"
Simple as that?

Googling up "priority definition" gave me the following...

A thing that is regarded as more important than another. The fact or condition of being regarded or treated as more important.

When does one feel or start to acknowledge that they are being treated as a priority?
Can the absence of other choices, causing all of one's attention to be diverted to the only single choice, be considered as treating it as a priority?
Is priority not something that one bestows upon something or another person, instead of becoming one when there are no other possible candidates?

One has to start thinking along those lines, or just end up being forever under the assumption that they are a PRIORITY when they are just in fact just  the ONLY OPTION left that is laid in front of them....
When a person comes to the conclusion that they are merely the only option left, and there were NOT in fact made into a priority as a choice, one may start thinking along the lines of being used, solely as the only option available at the time~

I have to say that such a conclusion hurts every time when one reaches such a conclusion after a long effort of being someone's PRIORITY.... For all that is worth, such people either should be MADE into a priority, or let go to another who DOES treat them like a priority.
For everyone deserves to be treated as one.

"Solely existing just to please another is a sad and lonely existence"
- Fai fai No-Reason

Piece~

Lifting up yourself in hard times~

"When the going get tough, the tough gets going" - Timon, The Lion King
What can I say?
That simple line sometimes still brings a small smile to my face.
But one has to acknowledge that somehow things will somehow get better.
It has never been about us not deserving happiness, everyone does, it's just that it is not time yet, or we're looking at the wrong places.
Or maybe it has been there all along, just that we don't really bother giving any attention to them and taking them for granted.... Simple as that...

Yesh that is true...
But not knowing what precious things you have around you and what actually makes you happy, you're most likely be kept in the dark not by the hard stuff around you, but by your very own self instead...

I can only hope this is a part of the journey, because from what I see, I have been neglected a bit too frequently..
I can see that just by being with me, many are being weighed down and tired out, too much expectations from me?
I can hear the disappointment and the vague resignation when you're with me, just playing along to seem like you're interested, but truth be told, there are times where I feel like a toddler being given candy to to be pacified and to behave myself....
I can talk and speak my mind about things, but if they are being heard of not is a totally different matter indeed.
I can feel that you couldn't care less about things that concern us, for if I don't reach out for you, I'll have to wait for what seems an eternity before you find me...

If doing something means you care, does not doing anything means I do NOT care?
Thus, I don't really have to DO things to SHOW that I CARE no?
If nothing is being done for me, and yet I blindly remain ignorant of such a fact,
I can only say that it must be blissful being the one NOT doing anything...

I'll wait....


I'll just wait.... and see if all is not for naught..

Piece~

Ever waning patience~

"There are those that wait on us,
Regardless of what we say or do,
But when left abandoned many times,
Their patience start to run thin too"
- Fai fai No-Reason

The end of exams?

Hi there~!
With the clock showing 5pm today, it marks the last 21 hours more to go before the start of the last paper of my exam XD
Sure I want this over with and I' already looking forward to my trip home, where I might just got for a family holiday for this year's chinese new year holiday *jumps with joy*
but seriously I am getting a bit too ahead of myself...
I have NO IDEA what is going to come out for tomorrow's paper.
I mean, literally ZERO~
What can I say?
The lecturers didn't leave anything behind, and I kinda lost my paper which tells me the topics that have been taught in the last 5 months, so I am technically doomed >.<
To top it off, I have not attended the posting for this particular two subjects, and so I am completely clueless about both subjects.
*shrugs* owh well, will just randomly read and hope I am able to crap up something in tomorrow's paper?

I have yet to start taking pictures again with my own camera, so sorry, so nothing interesting to upload at the moment~
I started to note that I tend to take random pictures off google that seem to be related to my posts so that they don't seem go colorless and down.
Owh well, must have been a subconscious move of my own to ensure that there is at least ONE picture in every post.
Why? don't ask, ask my subconscious XD

*Yawn* this weather is not helping, I should be trying to study at the moment.
Gosh, not to mention I still have hospital sessions tomorrow and the day after, that means I won't be able to go back until Friday evening~
It's ok, I know home is just waiting for my return *jumps with joy*
The weather is so hot, it's making me sooo.... lazy, hehe~
Sue me, this drowsy feeling is not helping at all.
Guess I'll go to nap awhile before I start struggling in ENT and opthalmology~

Signing off here (at the moment), piece~

Nothing much going on~

 Hey guyZ~
Just had a haircut and although I took this picture awhile back, it is without a doubt, the closest representation to the hair which I am having on the top my head at the moment XD

Yesh, I might have deserved that finger flick at that time, but that's a story to be told another time.
Hehe~
I just thought I would clean up my cbox and check for comments (which is apparently non-existent since no one ever reads or blogs these days much) as well as check out the blogs that I usually follow~
*sigh* No new updates~
I mean come on people, I know we are all busy, but what happened to taking just a 10-15 minute break to just type out something on your blog?
It may not be much but hey, sometimes an old friend might come along and even catch up with what is happening with you while reading your blog.
True I might not be the one to preach about such things, but hey, i haven't been taking a lot of pictures lately.
Continuous assessment is around the corner, and well, there is a lot of reading to do (which I am currently procrastinating)

I don't know if I have uploaded this picture, but just to let those following me know what has been going on~

Running and finishing a 21km Penang bridge marathon was a great achievement for me.
Yes it took longer than I expected (2 hour 45 minutes) but hey, at least I finished and got the finisher's medal XD

Oooh, look at the time, will run off for dinner 1st XD
Piece~

Gossip? Past time leisure?

As a Noun Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.

Via Wikipedia; (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gossip)
Gossip is idle talk or rumour about the personal or private affairs of others. It is one of the oldest and most common means of sharing facts, views and slander. This term is used pejoratively by its reputation for the introduction of errors and variations into the information transmitted, and it also describes idle chat, a rumor of personal, or trivial nature.

Now you know, hehe~

A simple act of talking about someone to others is already gossip, albeit its not in a person's interest to spread what you know about another to another person, but yeah, its GOSSIP.
That's what it is, indirect slandering of the person.
The fact is, we ALL gossip one way or another.
The best part is, not just gurls gossip, but guys do too~!
*nod nod* that's right~! I mean, just by turning to the person beside and by pointing to another guy across the room and saying "Hey, do you know that guy in the blue shirt? Yes that one? I heard he's gay"
BOOM
The birth of a gossip, LOL
Easy as that eh?
If I'd get a dollar for every time a gossip was born within a km range of myself, daym, I'd be a millionaire within the week ^^

So, I have just established how EASY it is to start a gossip, so have you heard this phrase before?

I'm sure you have, even if its not those exact words...
Maybe it could have been paraphrased in many other ways~
Like....
"Did you know that~"
"Yesterday, someone told me that~"
"There was this one time, I heard that~"
and the list goes on and on and on...

So, WHY do people gossip?
If they do, how does it work?

Knowing that you are spreading the news about SOMEONE that seems to give you a sense of relief that you have saved another soul from being a victim of that someone?

Making sure that the dreaded individual that you hate their guts so passionately does not have a simple and happy life?

Or you're just doing it to be "in the circle"?

But seriously, what gives?
Just because you don't like someone, don't want the person to be happy, to get back at the person, just to past the time, to keep in touch with your fellow gossipers, to ensure the world doesn't end at 21/12/12, FOR WHATEVER REASON...
Do you have to?
You can do your part by being the end of of the gossip loop by just hearing and shutting up.

No harm knowing what is going on, but one doesn't have to be part of the vicious cycle no?
Unless....
You TOO have an issue with that person for some reason and start adding salt to the wound by making it even worse *thumbs up*

Googled gossip and the results were hilarious~

So that answers A LOT
They are just NETWORKING~!
Gawd, why didn't I think of that?
Cuz why?
That is just a STUPID justification for spreading stuffs and what not about people that you urself don't really know about~

Need I say more?

Fai fai No-Reason's weather forecast:
The breeze and wind that has been so comfortable these past months have been comforting. However I can only hope that they stay around longer before moving on. It has done much for my happiness and comfort of my state of mind~

Piece~

The sun was out of the clouds today,
So I hid in my room out of sight,
For running out now to relax and play,
I'd collapse before the sun's might.

Friends we know are fickle things,
When it is safe they wander by,
First sign of danger; when the bell rings

They run off to safety; all promises a lie.

So when all is silent; safe at night,

As of now I'm safe from beings of the light,

For friends are devious; often leaving a mark,

Contrary to the belief of scary things in the dark.

In the midst of the night a few remain,

Regardless how bleak, no matter how vain,
They shelter us protectively; against the cold and rain,
Shielding us against treachery, insults and pain.

Among that stays there may be one,

Whose company makes problems seem small,

That makes one happy; even facing the sun,
Making one grin; even after a fall.

Thus with all that how can it be,
All those hypocrites wandering free,
For it is self control they often lack,
If only karma would strike them back~

Fai fai No-Reason's Weather Forecast:
The calm winds blow from the direction of the sea... How I miss the sea... The salty breeze with the waves lapping onto the shore, with good company to make it fun. Maybe I should plan for one soon~

Piece~

Friends? What about it?

Enuff said XD

Hey all ^^
How are things on your end?
Notice that people always greet one another and say a simple statement or question to open up a conversation?
A "conversation starter" they call it....
Among the many statements that have been made in my general direction today included:
"Hey~! Just got back from the hospital? So tiring~"
"Ate lunch yet? Was it good?"
"OMG today we actually have 3 hours of class.... Do you know what classes we have today?"
"How are you? Long time no see~!"

Some just stay silent and give a courteous nod to show that they acknowledge my existence before them...
And yet, they remain as "conversation starters" no more, they don't have any actual meaning attached to them~
They take you as an option that they can choose to acknowledge or ignore at will, for that is what you are to them..

"Dispensable"

-meaning," Able to be replaced or done without, OR optional, unnecessary, expendable

So, how can we classify people as someone who isn't an option?
In context, meaning people we call as FRIENDS?
Or are they just people that we barely know?
People who you just talk to once in a while just because you happen to meet them from time to time, or as part of a social commitment that ever so requires our attention, least we do not fear of being isolated and ignore by the rest of society?
Believe me when I say, up to almost 90% of any community at any given time is hungry for attention?
No matter how meager it is, each person has their threshold and need to fulfill this daily quota of "attention".
This can be anything, from a non-significant nod or nonchalant "hie" from someone, or meeting and talking with people at a great length, up to the point of hungry power individuals that want nothing less than to subject everyone to his/her will and give him/her their EVERY OUNCE OF ATTENTION.

So, drawing a line between FRIENDS and ACQUAINTANCES?

Simple...
All friends are acquaintances, but not all acquaintances are friends.
and yet, that simple line is blurring out very quickly these days, making friends a very vague and non-existant word.

Asking for your time, friendship and loyalty?

I think you're better off asking for a shipping container filled to the brim with gold....
Piece~

Fai fai No-Reason's weather forecast:
There are times where the field was greener on the other side, and yet as I look beyond the light rain that chills me to the bone I see no field.
I stand still now, seeking solace in the numbness of the cold, knowing that I only have myself and a precious few to depend on~

Happiness a finite thing?

Things will work out... definitely~

Still trying to hold on to that simple statement to make things appear better.
It's not that easy apparently, never said it was, but trying is better than the alternative of punishing myself~
Don't really know what to post up lately, things have been... tough lately~
Maybe I'll relate to the topic of this post for help.

Happiness~
Defined by wikipedia as "a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy"

Well I can't say that's wrong, it's very true in fact.
but what can be defined as happiness as a source?
Every person has his/her own source of happiness yes? They can be happy for a multitude of reasons~
-Happy for losing weight
-Happy having that special someone by them
-Happy they passed their exams
-Happy that a person you despise got what he/she deserved
-Happy for another person will no ill feelings, maybe a tinge of jealousy (hey, it's normal)

For myself, I tend to believe that happiness is a somewhat finite thing...
If you're too happy now, you'll eventually exhaust that source of happiness and you'd have to move on to a more reliable source.
In that sense, I guess we are ALL somewhat ADDICTED to happiness.
I mean, who doesn't want happiness?
One can always bring hell and misery to those that have wronged us as self satisfaction do things that makes us feel exactly so~
but then again, there is a sense where we believe that maybe we don't DESERVE that happiness.

We are only human, and in that statement alone we show that we have no right to judge oneself or another if we "deserve" anything or otherwise?
Instead, KNOW that everyone does deserve it, and it is a matter of time of finding that one thing that makes us happy.
When you do, cherish and appreciate it, for such things are hard to come by~

Don't go chasing pebbles when you have a diamond by your side.

Will post up another one when I have the time~
A pic of yours truly with a faithful indoor bicycle (to the left) that has kept depression and fatness away during his holidays at home, where outside sports is restricted due to lack of proper footwear and bad weather...

>.<
Its been awhile since I posted any pics of the real world, and so, here it is XD

Fai fai No-Reason's weather forecast:

The morning has started with a light drizzle and cloudy skies as the sun rises up, lighting up the day, yet hidden away from view~
Although I'm grateful for the light the sun is providing, I am yet to "see" this provider of light..
I'm tired... very tired indeed....

Pondering on happiness~
Piece~

Reflection of others~

"Once you were on my mind,

Silently and unexplained you took your leave,

With my silence you thought I was fine,

Left alone abandoned with my trust you reave"

- Fai Fai No-Reason

Hey all, exams are on at the moment and many things are going on at the moment~
Just a short post on what has been going on in my mind lately...
No matter how much I try to deny it, apparently how I seem to other DO affect me to a small degree.
How I handle people seem to be living proof of that.
I tend to try and make everyone happy, trying to reason with them, trying to make the best out of a bleak situation.
I got a "lecture" from my grandmother once about trying to be selfish once in awhile, especially when it is concerns yourself.

BUT

I also have been striving to open up to those around me and see if I actually matter to others in anyway.
More often than naught, I find myself being taken for granted and seen only as a nice guy that helps out around, who is reasonable enough that they can be friendly enough to take me for granted.

What can I say about that?
Will be on a short hiatus for the time being with everything so overwhelming me..
and yet with all these happening around me, there always seem to be a small ray of light keeping me warm on the gloomiest day and coldest nights..

Fai fai No-Reason's weather forecast:
The storm is finally here raging around me, attempting to sweep me away..
and most of those that "stood" by me has gone missing, leaving me in the darkness..
and yet a familiar warm hand touches my face with an umbrella over me,
With that strength I wait out the storm...

Piece~

Pre-final exam pressure and doubts~

"There are times where one can be surrounded by a sea of people, and yet feel so alone... #fact"
-Fai fai No-Reason

The title says it all I think...
The usual feeling of doubts and insecurity.

The doubt of everything that I already know and about everyone around me.
The uneasy feelings about almost anything that has come to pass in the last year...
Insecurity?
Friends?
Hypocrisy? (my new favorite word)
Taking for granted?

Relationship?
Actually caring for something?
Doubts about caring?
Knowing more about myself that I seem to previously deny~
Caring about something until it hurts and unable to do anything about it~
Trying to please everyone without anything in it for myself~

I have to start learning how to prioritize my own happiness and interests...

So many have told me so and maybe only a handful of those actually mattered.
But the problem is, where do I start?

Fai fai No-Reason's weather forecast:
With the incoming storm, I can hear the heavy downpour even without straining myself to hear it.
The fog and mists around me is making things seem too depressing and isolates me even further~
I wonder if I make it out of this, what will be waiting for me on the other side...

Piece~

Betrayal~

"It is easy enough to know a friend,
Pleasing each other used to be the trend,
When their use has past; such comes to an end,
Left alone with nothing but open wounds to tend"
-Fai Fai No-Reason

What has been done has been done...
and yet how can I feel this way?
There are people who you would do almost anything for.
Heck, be it driving during emergencies in the middle of the night, up to doing a small favor when it really matters.
Yet, people tend to forget that those people who go out of their way for another's sake want to be pampered and remembered too.
Imagine how would one feel when they are left out, outcast, labelled "emo" and not even updated on the latest happenings?
Most of us can tolerate disappointment when told directly.
What makes it worst is the disappointment when we find out what happened AFTER it has happened or  AFTER changes have been implemented without you.
Disappointment has really taken a toll on me this time....
Cheers, apparently I have been proved wrong that there is some "moral obligation" in most people called COURTESY..

Fai fai No-Reason's weather forecast today:
The incoming storm has picked up its pace rushing towards me.
The number of friends standing by me dwindling to an alarming amount, although not surprising..
Stumbling to find shelter with my remaining friends, I pray for the best for these kind souls and damnation to those who mean harm to them~

Piece~

Impending problems...the SHIPS we face in our daily lives~

Have you ever wondered how the human mind actually starts working and thinking of the many different responses that we actually hope for or anticipate from another?
Such is what i would be ranting on this post today... which is the many "ships" that we get on, off or ultimate sink with in our lives.

I always marveled how the ships of those days manage to brave those seas to reach the other side of the sea, a feat that may take weeks or months on end...
I mean, look at it, its all wood, fragile, one wave of uncertainty and it perishes at the hands of mother nature of simply crash into the rocks unseen beneath the serene waters which betray the danger lurking beneath it.
So, what ships you ask?
Well among them would be FRIENDship, RELATIONship, KINship and the list goes on (frankly these are the only one popping up in my head as of now XD)

KINship is a very broad context and thus for me it mostly reflects a sense of belonging, something akin to family.
It could be absolute as having only one mother or father, to as loose as having adopted siblings and foster parents.

They are as important as ever as they are with you when you grow up, maybe not all the way, but nevertheless they are part of your life, a fact that none can deny no matter how hard you try.
They are a part of your life tapestry which starts weaving when you are born into this world, a pattern that registers no matter what your deed or what you choose to do..
A beacon that shines out and looks out after you no matter what your problems are...
Guiding, slowly showing the way~
They may be imprecise and imperfect at times but hey, they'll be there...

FRIENDship, literally we attend to a fleet of them in our daily lives.
From a small tug boat, up to the size of an cargoship, maybe even ships that dwarfs the Titanic (no bigger comparison XD)
And still, the waters that these ship sail on are treacherous and unpredictable.
So which "ship" among the FRIENDships available to us give us safety?
Which one is to say would grant us understanding of those dangerous waters?
Which one would bail us out should we end up floating in the endless ocean?

Most of the time the ships sail where they want to sail, how can I blame them for that?
Each has their own path to adhere to, but is it too much to ask to consider other ships passing though or to help a man overboard in the wild sea?
Is it too much to ask to understand the dilemma of requesting a ship that suits your every needs or taking advantage of a ship that has graciously allowed a person on board?

Sometimes things get so rough that most boats would turn around.
I guess what I mean to say is, those that matters are those FRIENDships that go with you all the way, even when facing rough stormy seas..

RELATIONship, a ship never thought of until recently...
What would one look for in such a ship?
Comfort?
Trust?
Relief?
Desires?
Confidante?
One thing that is clear to me is that such a ship would be one that has gone through a lot to keep us above the waves, with such gentleness that we are able to go through a lightning storm even with a mortal fear of lightning which would normally curb us from doing so...
How strong such a ship is on facing the stormy seas ahead, it is a fragile ship nevertheless which fails at the smallest provocation or misunderstanding.
Thus, the ship is only as strong as the nails of "trust" that holds the ship together...
How about that?

Most of the time we aren't lucky enough to see or meet such great ships in our lives.
I only hope that I am able to find those ships that are special to me, that really mean something, and cherish them.
Hopefully I'm not blind enough to recognize, but experiences with past ships have made me wary... too wary...

Fai fai No-Reason's weather forecast today:
There seem to be a star shining now, giving the storm a hopeful sight.
A sight that I seem to cherish and have hopes on.
Do I even deserve such simple hopes and happiness?
Picking up my umbrella, I thread on in this light drizzle~

Piece~