Too tired to do anything~

How is it possible that regardless of how much I try to forget how much pain I have endured for the past 6 months, it just keeps coming back?

How is it possible that what was there just died off with a single message?

What was I thinking all those years...


There was a time.. (still do actually) that I used to thing think that happiness if a finite thing.

The theory I had was, is that a person is only allowed to be happy only so much in his/her life.
Maybe they would be having happy childhood, before something happened later on.
Or maybe that person suffered at the hands of the lamentable daily chore we called 'homework' before getting happier with the results achieved and moving on to become a successful person in working life?

An interesting thing to note here, is that this theory applied to EVERYTHING that we see, hear and experience in our daily lives.
As such, you can see here where my dilemma lies, as if this particular 'rule' applies to EVERYTHING, if will happen to me sooner or later~

I was happy for the past 6 years, truly it was a miracle~
That I cruised through my MBBS with not repeating a year, despite my mediocre knowledge, skill and attitude.
I made it through my HOship without experiencing any major hickups and made it possible for me to stand on my own 2 feet without depending on anyone.
I thought my life was getting somewhere now that I have the means to actually do something, especially financially and time wise, since I am finally a medical officer....


and yet...


I feel empty...
I no longer feel what if feels like to feel accomplished anymore.
To be happy just to get that one text message.
I no longer bother meeting people, for fear of rejection and abandonment.
Although I have stayed back those 2 years, in the end I was just taken for a ride and before I know it, it was over just like that~
Who am I to go around bothering people, when I have no longer the right to be happy over such things again?

I feel like I have run out of this finite thing we call 'happiness'?

What is it to be friends?

I just spend some time watching this simple movie~
Granted its not everyone's cup of tea, but the main purpose of the movie is simple enough

A simple question was asked throughout the movie on which the main character constantly ponders...
"Is there a special criteria needed to being friends?"
"What does it mean to be a friend?"
Well.. along those lines (paraphrasing here okaay? toe-may-toe / toe-mah-toe, same thing~)
and yet, he just trudges along and somehow everything got to be okay.
How so?
He chooses to face everyone and own up to his mistakes that he has done in the past.

but then again, the main character has the privilege of having done something wrong to reflect on~

and here I am still pondering why my careful considerations and actions are taken as 'insignificant' and cast aside as 'fear of the unknown' overturns a person's better judgement~

but then again, I am not the main character....

never have been...


never will be~

Piece~

Closure

"What can I say to make others see,
What can I show to let others know,
How much things can matter to me,
How hard it is to let go"
- Fai fai No-Reason

Talking things out may not have made things any easier, but at least it gave some sense of accomplishment
To try and see how it has affected you
and to try and see how it has affected them
If they really mean something to you, I guess we should wish them well even though our lives are not meant to be together
But it will take a long time to heal... If I ever do heal...

Thank you for the memories... it made me feel alive and well~
No thank you for the memories... it just makes me feel broken and abandoned~

It's not like anyone reads blogs anymore, but it's just a place to express oneself

I want you to want me... is that weird?

It was that response again...
Every time I get such a response from anyone else, it didn't matter, but with you, it stung so hard that in the future I'll admit here that I started thinking and considered what I typed before I sent them to you...
Since when did I started being so non-transparent with you?
Since when?

Everyone else would have just gave some encouraging words when I was down...
but with you, I felt like a long sincere hug and some words of encouragement from time to time would do me wonders.
And when I didn't hear from you at all and pointed it out, you said that I don't know what is going on with you and you have other problems as well...
Then I tried to refrain myself from finding you when I was feeling down, hopeless or crashing into the abyss...
Since when did I have to sty away from you to keep you happy?
Since when?

We used to laugh at dumb things, where we have our own 'inside' joke which a 3rd party who is in the conversation will not be able to pin point our exact reference so as to understand why it was funny in the first place~
I would tell you almost anything that I wanted without any restrain because I know they are safe with you.
I would just open up and let my deepest worries and fears to you because somehow I get a feeling that you will understand...
Now every time I want to voice out something, I have to take your feelings into consideration and gauge the mood before I can say anything...
Since when did I have to be so careful around you?
Since when?

Since when.....

The Endless wait...

"The sun sets at the end of all days,
At sunset we see the day's last light,
One can be cruel in many different ways,
Cruelest still would be vanishing from sight"
- Fai fai No-Reason

What else can you do?

What else can you do?
There was a time when I was proud at the very fact that I was very self dependable, when I was a one man team where I can virtually survive by myself.
I can do almost anything alone.
I could run for kilometers almost every alternate day of the week.
I could study by myself (yes, I didn't get any great results, but I was able too scrape through most of my exams)
I could go eat anywhere by myself.
I could do all my chores myself.
I wouldn't have to worry about anyone else, life was great....

Then at the end of high school, a friend got sick and we lost her to cancer.
I stopped trying to be friendly to people.
I closed myself in.
After 2 years of just living my life aimlessly, I started striving again, trying to reach a long lost dream that died off when I was in school.
I tried reconnecting to people, but old habits die hard and I found myself drifting back to my old ways.
I went alone again.
Then, I met you...
Your words convinced me that life is not all bad, that there is such a thing called friends out there...
I started believing again~

I tried reconnecting with people, but I never really belonged to any particular group.. I sort of drifted from here to there, being very impartial and neutral...
Looking back, maybe it was my fault but hey, I would feel so much more of a cast off if I tried so hard and failed to enter one group, then trying to be on good terms with every group out there.
I started just being helpful and friendly to those I could...
Then later I found out that I was labelled flirty and to a certain extent, people thought I was just gay for my lack in interest in a relationship.
*shrugs* The things people say~

One day I though I had a lucky break, and felt like with you I would never be alone again.
but, as I type this, you are as distant as ever, and I continue to wait like I always have for the past 25 years of my life.
I used to, still do believe that everyone gets a finite amount of happiness every year or so, and I feared that I may have used all that time in the last 2 years.
Or maybe I was just being foolish and blind, for what the mind does not know, the eye does not see...


For now, I drift alone...
I don't know what holds in the future, but if this keeps up, maybe things will just fall apart as usual and I will be alone again once more...

Free to feel more for the longest of time,
Being happy and content apparently was a crime,
Keeping me in the dark after showing me the sun,
I'd rather be non-existent and acknowledged by none...

Piece~

Feeling lost, more than ever~

I know what to do, and yet I can't bring myself to do it....

Stop looking forward to things, or expect miracles to happen..
No one will help care or help...
No one~

"Forget being nice to all those around you,
For they are but a wind just blowing past through,
You invested some trust and yet somehow you knew,
You'll be taken for granted and they'll find something new"
- Fai fai No-Reason

Realization that you only matter so much~

You wake up and yet the only thing you can think about is that one person.
There were times that the only thing clouding my mind would be what fun things I would do today, or wondering what you would eat for lunch and dinner~
Those days seem like a distant memory now...
You get up with a cold sinking feeling that today will probably be the same thing again, that the phone will not ring or the tablet will just stay quiet~

*sigh*

You grudgingly drag yourself out of bed, might as well since you have been dozing in and out throughout the morning.

*looks at the clock*

Aaah, its already 10 minutes to noon, but in this state how in the world can someone make lunch?
You set yourself down in front of your laptop and prepare yourself to munch away on comfort food like kitkat and an entire bag of chips just to make yourself feel somewhat better~
But then again, you stop yourself under the pretext that you made a promise to yourself earlier tat week that you would at least TRY to eat healthily, appropriately and that exercise would follow that diet every 2 days or so~
While absent-mindedly downloading series that you follow while your thought still swirl around the memories you have of that person.
The tab makes a quiet sound and you jump at it, only to be disappointed as always...

The day drones on, and you don't know what to do...
Maybe all those tired days during the weekdays were actually preoccupying your time so much that you didn't really had the time to feel this way, and now that the much celebrated weekend has arrive, you realized that now you dread the weekends even more than ever.

*looks around*

Everyone else had something to do, somewhere to go, someone to see, but you are tied down with the effort to not spend your money drastically as you have nothing, even no one to spend your money with.
You scroll around the movies being shown that day, but hey, you realized you have already watched most of the movies worth watching when you consoled yourself last week when you realized you were going to be alone for at least 2 weeks, maybe even more~

*walks to the kitchen*

You realize that regardless of everything you do in your power, the house will always be messy.
That realization dawned on you just recently after almost 6 months of staying with your housemate
You walk into the kitchen to see kitchen utensils uncleaned and plates piled up in the sink.
With a glance, you smirk and open the fridge to only see that it has been filled to the brim too, and your stuff gets pushed around to make space for things that are not yours.
Heck, all those things IN the fridge should be finished first BEFORE jamming in new stuffs~!

*slams the fridge door*

Then you hear that ever so faint notification from the tab from that special person.
You run to the room like a 100m dash, feeling that even Usain Bolt could not have bested you.
The tab flickers to life and before you know you grin idiotically replying the messages~
and quite suddenly you are left hanging...
waiting...
disappointed yet again~

*stomach grumbles*

You realized all the excitement and waiting just made you forgot about the fact that you were looking for something to eat.
Resigning to the fact that you dread going back into the kitchen, you start munching on a bar of kitkat and started tearing up the bag of chips you were so desperately trying to stay away from this morning in an effort to drown away the hunger and disappointment you are experiencing now...
The tab feebly makes a sound again but by now, you're already resigned to the fact it might always be this way~
You reply and when the messages end abruptly, you shrug and doze off on the bed, consoled by the bag of chips and that bar of kitkat you ate earlier.

You knew and yet you choose to keep doing this...
Is this worth it?
Are you not worth something?

Maybe not....

You know you've went through this... albeit differently, but don't deny it~

You Don't Like Me

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/you-dont-like-me/#YcZWqV3vHmCwSf7s.14

You Don’t Like Me
JUL. 31, 2012 By JANUARY NELSON

It must be so hard being you. It’s always trying to be decisive, to say what you know deep down is right even at the risk of coming off less-than-perfect, to cut a cord when you’re not entirely sure what you want.

We’re together. Or we’re not. Or maybe we’ll get together. Or maybe we’re somewhere in between. I like you. I think about you constantly. I want to know everything about you. I want to be around you.

Though you haven’t said anything directly, it seems obvious that you’re not as on board. You’re vague. You’re flakey. I could forget about it. I could be delusional. I could hear what I want to hear and ignore my gut. You tell me you’re in it, but you seem really out of it. Maybe you think I don’t realize. Maybe you think you’re fooling me. I hate to go all Greg Behrendt on you but I know: if you were into me, you would act like you were into me.

So what’s going on here is: You don’t like me. Okay, whoa. Whoa. Don’t get defensive. Don’t shush me. Don’t start countering my point. You do like me. You do. You like me a lot. You just…have some issues, some things to work out, some dilemmas Nelly-And-Kelly-style. You’re just an aloof person. You’re just bad at showing love. You just feel awkward about intimacy. You’re just not always present. You don’t mean to be that way. That’s just what you’re like. You can’t help it. It says nothing about me.

Your distance is palpable. It’s disappointing and expected. It’s this weird elephant in the room that is our relationship, whatever it is. I can sit here all day and make excuses for you. I could say things like: “He had a really hard family life so he just doesn’t do affection.” “He hates answering text messages during the daylight hours.” “He’s just grumpy around people with faces and hair so he doesn’t want to meet any of my friends.” “He’s really busy with his skateboarding business right now.”

No. Nope. Uh uh. If you like someone, you find a way. If you like someone, they invade your thoughts and actions involuntarily. If you like someone, you’re on fire. If you like someone, you make room for them in your brain and in your life — no matter what else is going on. (Or even better, you don’t have to make room. You just feel like they fit.)

So let me help you out, dude, because you want to say anything about our situation but the most basic truth. You don’t like me.

You. Do Not. Like. Me.

Sure, I’m fun. I’m easy to be around. I seem great. I like you. But I don’t make you crazy. I don’t make you sweat. I don’t make you interested. You don’t think about me when you’re in bed at night. You don’t need to see me, to touch me, to talk to me. You don’t wonder what I’m up to or what I’ll do in the future. You like me fine, but you don’t like me.

You’re a nice person so you don’t want to say it so bluntly; Either you think it’s mean or you’re noncommittally trying to keep me around for rainy day boredom. You’re full of excuses and you never take action, but you’re not an outright d-ck.

You just don’t like me. Doesn’t that feel better?

I’m taking the burden off your shoulders. I’m alleviating your tension, your obligation, your pain. (I mean, never mind my own, right?)

No more growing anxiety wondering if you should wait 24 hours to call me back. No more coming up with elaborate excuses for why you can’t meet me and my friends at the bar. No more pushing yourself to feel about me the way I feel about you. Let me just wipe those stressors right out of your life. Must have been such a difficult time for you.

I hope I could eliminate your guilt. I know it must have been hard, all this time, bandying back and forth between wanting to keep me or not hurt me and facing up to your non-feelings. No more looking at your phone and sighing instead of answering flirty texts. No more leaving me in your bed while you go do work on your computer. No more talking about “slowing down.” I’m not a dope. I get it. You’re free. More importantly, I’m free.

You don’t like me — so today, I set us both free.


Apparently so... reasons and excuses just don't cut it, and now I know better.
All that vague disappointing feeling swept away by myself all these time, thinking it was just me over thinking it.
I guess I'll have to rethink what I thought before~

Fights with someone dear....

There are things that one will always regret but happens anyway, fights over disagreements or of different opinion on a one single simple matter will always be one that makes that very list.
I mean, who wants ro argue with thier loved ones?
We cherish them so much, that the very idea of losing them brings tears to one's eyes and makes us reconcile with them immediately.
What exactly do we want that special one to know about us?
Why the different opinions?

I would want to share every small detail with that special person, and like wise, I want to know and be involved in that person's daily life.
Why you ask?
It gives me a sense to cherishment, that I am actually part of that special someone's life, and nothing would me me happier than that.
Imagine when you are told to stay away and mind your own business, to give them some space...
What would you feel like?

I would worry day and night, with your health, worries and concern become my own as they very much concern me the moment you were involved.
Why you ask?
It shows to the world that this very individual is who I care the most about, that their happiness and troubles are mine as well.
Imagine when you found out that they'd rather keep everything to themselves and keep you out of their lives instead, as it is just the way they are...
What would you feel like?

I would do almost anything within my power if it meant making you happy, or making special memories along the way.
Why you ask?
It shows to everyone else how much we are interconnected, and that you mean a great deal to me.
Imagine when that wish get crumpled and stepped on when they say they'd rather be by themselves, as they claim to be loners for that is what they 'really are'
What would you feel like?

I'll tell you how it feels like...
It feels that I am beneath you and never even your equal.
It feels like I have been an idiot for being a one-sided fool who just charged in and did stuff which is not even noticed, let alone appreciated.
It feels that I am so insignificant, that you are not even worth that person's time, and they would reject any need to change by claiming that this is what kind of person they are, wihout even attempting to change.

Such arguments are usually two ways...
The moment it becomes one way, it starts to break down, cuz there is only so much one person can take before they are crushed beneath whatever hopes, dreams and commitment they were hung up on at the beginning of it all
That's the moment they stary walking away.
That's the moment you know you don't matter any more

Where are you?

Where are you rain?
Where have you gone?

Come wash away the pain,

I feel so used up and worn,

Where are you rain?

I feel you're getting further away,

Without you my strength starts to wane,
My strength falters with each passing day,

Where are you rain?

I miss your cold embrace,

Seems like you have everything to gain,
Seems like I am always fighting for a place,

Where are you rain?

I barely hear from you these days,
You kept your distance again,

I only feel the sun's hot scorching rays,

Where are you rain?

Your absence is a sad sight,

Trying my able best to stay sane,

Barely able to sleep at night.

Losing a friend to cancer…

I used to not give any credit to friends for adding some color into my life. Back then to me, friends are just people you tend to get to know from time to time, who coincidentally at that time had something similar to you. They come and go with the wind, although some do stay around for years at a time. If I didn’t meet them for long periods of time, like everything else, they fade away from my memory as all things do. However I did have a friend few years back who holds a special place in my memory until today, and looking back, she was possibly one of my first few real friends that I made back then.

She was the same age as me, and although I was a grade higher since I started school a year earlier, we got to know each other and exchanged common pleasantries occasionally when we cross each other’s path around school. She had her own circle of friends, while I had few close friends of my own who had no correlation at all with each other. I guess the only reason we knew each other was because she was involved in the same curriculum activities as me. When I left high school, we kept in touch with occasional greetings and exchanges over the internet. It was not long after that when we learned that she was diagnosed with cancer.

Out of all her friends, only a handful constantly kept in touch in an attempt to keep her courage up, to keep fighting the cancer and living. She dropped out of school for a year as she sought medical treatment. She lost weight, her usual radiance, even her right leg as it was removed in an attempt to reduce the spread of cancer. She was subjugated to all kinds of tests and treatments, including chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Being far away pursuing my studies, I kept my correspondence with her and through that I felt her pain, her anguish, and her diminishing strength as time goes on. Feeling slightly better after a year of treatment, she decided to resume her studies to finish off high school with the support of her family and friends.

I helped when I was able to, passing my high school notes and sometimes small one-to-one lessons on subjects or chapters that she was weak at. We spent simple time together, shared stories, laughed and made fun of each other. I was ashamed to admit that there were times where she was helping me more than I was helping her. She helped me grow as a person, while I am only able to lend what courage, strength and solace I had to offer. We kept constant contact as I resumed my studies in a different state.

One day her test results came back and the doctors said she was terminal. Everyone was devastated by the news. Being the bright and brave girl she always was, she called her close friends for an outing that may seem like the last one she might ever have. Being so far away, I could only cheer her on and try to make it back to visit her as soon as possible. Time was not on my side as a phone message that was meant for her was replied by her brother saying that she has gone into a coma and was rushed to the hospital that morning. Despite our grief and constant praying for my dearest friend, she passed on that very evening. It is to this day that I live with the regret of not being able to meet her one last time before she departed from this world.

Since then I tried to adopt her cheerful predisposition and attitude. I tried to look at things differently than I used to, changing for what I hope to be the best. I try my upmost to lend a hand and be there for my friends who seem truthful and friends who are in need of help. I now live my life now with the positive outlook in memory of my dear friend that I lost to cancer. 

It has been 6 years since I last heard from you...
You live on in our memories Sharon Lee Shu Wen. 

FantasiZer here...
Woke up today remembering the things and times we shared...
it's been 5 years, missing you and remembering the last few things we talked about.
it has been so long, that I kind of forgot how your voice sounds like when we talked, but the memory is as vivid as ever...
living my life in memory of your strong will to go on...
already starting in my 5th year in medicine , can you believe that?

Reading up about cancer almost always reminds me of you, and I regret not being able to see you one last time...

You are always remembered Shironu...

Rest in peace Sharon...

http://fantasizerx.blogspot.com/2008/02/lost-for-words.html

Can't remember~

I can't remember the time I couldn't care less,
Even though it annoyed me more than I'd confess,
Those times where I would numbly run,
Drowning my sorrow, tired under the sun,

I seem to recall how indifferent I felt,
All that mattered was the bulge at my belt,
Then with difficulty I started to mingle,
Although I was perfectly fine being single,

More often than naught I would run away,
For I was happy just spending time by myself,
I couldn't care less what others would say,
Their opinions collecting dust on the top of my shelf,

When someone starts to matter, a trend I would see,
No matter how compromising I would try to be,
They would drift away, slowly but sure,
Being made used of, intentions no longer pure,

Now I start to doubt what I feel,
For if I mattered it would not be this way,
They act as if it is not a big deal,
I think too much apparently, frequently they would say,

For actions speaks louder than words,
Thus I think that I matter only so much,
Such thoughts must be seasonal as the migrating birds,
Diminished are the times I am treated as such,

With this usually things come to an end,
For there is really nothing to mend,
Being taken for granted and neglect is time's corrosion,
Sunk deep beyond salvation into the depths of the ocean.

People who don't deserve it~

Hie there~
After a 6-7 hour journey up north driving in the car, you tend to start thinking on things that make you a bit more... let's say... sentimental...
Lately I have been treated in such a way that I realize that people no longer give that appreciation when someone sticks around in another's time of need.
Come on let's face it, name any situation...
Needing a shoulder to cry on when one breaks up in a relationship,
Needing a friend to come along in the middle of nowhere because one's car broke down,

Needing a familiar face to help when one gets involved in a car accident and is at loss on what to do next,
Needing a lift to the bus station as one is unable to reserve or book a taxi to send one to the bus stop in time,
Needing a friend to just simply lend an ear where one can just rant and talk away all their problems without the faintest doubt that none of it will be regurgitated back to a 3rd party...

All of this... totally gone these days~
I saw this today and it kinda reminded me on my thoughts earlier this morning...

Right?
Why should I care if I am no longer needed?
I shouldn't stick around if I am clearly not wanted or remembered yes?
but then again, here lies the dilemma...
What if the person wants you around but then again has other commitments to worry about as well?

Wait....

Shouldn't I matter enough that the person be worried and concerned about me?

Thus people, this is in the end and invalid topic after all...
There are no alternatives, for it just shows if one matter, or none at all...

Piece~

An outlet...

Hie there~
It's lil ol me again after quite some time I might add...
I guess I needed an outlet again, since I no longer have another place to vent out, I'll just start back my blogging and typing since it is something I can do at any time without the expense of anyone else's time, so yea.... here goes...

I guess being too available for another without expecting anything in return can take a toll on a person after awhile.
I mean, everyone want to be given attention, taken cared of and being loved~
I guess that is the only reason why people crave familial bonds, companionship... sometimes even a simple fleeting contact with a passing stranger would suffice~
A simple act of being ignored or being left alone can be interpreted as abandonment and even as a sign of neglect.... even if it was unintended as one is being busy, or if they were unreachable throughout the day~
But then again, when one matters, they would take the extra mile to get to find out how you fared that day... or have you eaten lunch? or just simply how your day was?
Wouldn't they not?

When they were not eating right, you would be worried sick~
When they didn't answer your calls, you think the worst case scenario and instead of blaming them, you get ready to speed to their side~
When they needed your help and support, you would reschedule all your plans just to be there for that person~
When they wanted to go somewhere, you would try to make it possible if it was within your power to do so~

AND WHY?

Just to see that other person happy, even at the expense of your own...
Selfless acts?
The way I see it, it is more like acts of self degradation.
and to what end?
to what purpose?
The small resentment when there is no appreciation, being late, no return calls, just builds and builds up like a dam and only 2 things can happen...
Either the dam breaks and everything breaks loose and you flood the whole valley,
or your dam gets corroded from all that exposure and you just... cease to function anymore... a useless dam which gets forgotten with time~

Didn't they always say that when a person gets neglected, another person can take their place?
News flash to girls, it happens to guys too ok?
So never leave a friend of someone special feeling neglected...
It takes a heavy toll on that person...
Believe me....
I know...

Can't bring myself to continue typing, I have a 550km journey up north to drive.
*fingers crossed* hope the traffic tomorrow will be good...

Piece~

Feeling alienated~

Hi people..
Being home after 2 months of hell-ish experience due to exams may seem like a breather...
but here I am kind of wishing I was back on campus, just doing my own things and going where ever I wanted and spending my time with whoever I wanted...
Being back at home, I have to compromise, and that seems to be heavy shackles to me since most of my time at campus, no one tells me how I should spend my time otherwise, other than me knowing my obligation is to study, study and study...

Now that I am done with my studies, with the prospect of getting pass to year 5 of my MBBS, I should be celebrating out there...
With friends,
With those special to me,
Especially with my family...
But how can I feel that way when I am trapped and confined to my house with no room for freedom without having every action I do to be scrutinized if it is appropriate or not.
I want to drive out of the house, meet up with friends~
I wanna just go to the park when there is a nice weather up and about, and just enjoy it, even though we would work out a sweat just by standing outside there for other good purpose other than to keep each other company...
I wanna go window-shopping for no good reason, other than to ogle and admire clothes that I know I can't afford at the moment...
I wanna go watch movies with someone who shares my interest and does not think movies as a waste of time and money...

Maybe I have been away from home a bit too long...
Freedom has made me explored the vast world and now I fret when I am to return to the nest~
When I am at home, I do love my family, but I have to say, everyone is so different now that I feel like I have been missing out on a lot of stuff that just makes me feel even more of a stranger than at home...
What happened to the strict upbringing that was instilled into me?
Why is my brother allowed such leniency?
Why are they allowed to get away with murder, while I get judged for sharing everything with my parents...

I feel like a stranger at home now...
I am bound by the rules of the household that appears to me my cage, which I walked into willingly and without a second thought...

I'm tired, so I'm going to go nap awhile~

Piece~

This is not helping....

It's not like I don't know anything....
It's not like I skipped out during my clinical postings...
I have enough attendance in theory classes cuz I don't skip...
So what seems to be the problem?
I can only guess it's just.... well... me....

Got up this morning to a pleasant surprise, it was a simple breakfast and I was somewhat happy and groggy from last night's lack of sleep... (yes, I slept at 3-ish am~)
My mind was still recovering from the rush of yesterday's paper and after that simple pleasant breakfast, my mind started to spiral downhill.
It got so bad, I just refused to even look at my notes or my books piled up at my side table.
I didn't even go down for lunch..
Well, technically I DID go down to the cafe, but I came back to the room barely 5 minutes later with 2 packets of chips and a packet of sunflower seeds for me to much on...
and that was after I swore to be quite frugal this month as I have been over spending it last month...
So lunch was 4 pieces of bread with 2 packets of chips and a cup of syrup water... (hey, gotta have my source of glucose...)

....

Come to think of it, it's been awhile since I just typed out my daily experience instead of being so abstract in my posts...
I mean, I had my reasons for them, but right now, I just need to type this out somewhere.
I can't bother those I care about, they have their own things to do.
I feel like I am such a disappointment and that things should just end... somewhat literally...
Being confined to the campus is cruel enough, and I can't even go sports for fear of being too tired to be able to study should suddenly a gush of motivation choose to breeze through my window (hopefully at any given moment now...)
I feel like flying home right now, but at the same time I don't...
So this is what torn between two worlds feel like..
They say having someone there for you will help, someone's shoulder to lean on...
I just feel like that is irresponsible, and thus I barely look for someone to confide in...
They have things to do too.... and if they are that important to me, all the more reason I wouldn't want to bother them with my problems.
Doesn't really make sense but yeah, I feel that way....

....

Come to think of it, I need new pictures.... pictures that I snapped myself, not randomly googled pictures that seem to be related to my post...
but now it just seems irrelevant...
I need to get my act together and know my priorities..

but that IS the problem, because it's not like I DON'T KNOW my priorities,
It's just that I have the motivations, insight and the drive to strive for it...

I don't know what to do right now...
I don't know how...
I just can't....



*sigh*

Lifting up yourself in hard times~

"When the going get tough, the tough gets going" - Timon, The Lion King
What can I say?
That simple line sometimes still brings a small smile to my face.
But one has to acknowledge that somehow things will somehow get better.
It has never been about us not deserving happiness, everyone does, it's just that it is not time yet, or we're looking at the wrong places.
Or maybe it has been there all along, just that we don't really bother giving any attention to them and taking them for granted.... Simple as that...

Yesh that is true...
But not knowing what precious things you have around you and what actually makes you happy, you're most likely be kept in the dark not by the hard stuff around you, but by your very own self instead...

I can only hope this is a part of the journey, because from what I see, I have been neglected a bit too frequently..
I can see that just by being with me, many are being weighed down and tired out, too much expectations from me?
I can hear the disappointment and the vague resignation when you're with me, just playing along to seem like you're interested, but truth be told, there are times where I feel like a toddler being given candy to to be pacified and to behave myself....
I can talk and speak my mind about things, but if they are being heard of not is a totally different matter indeed.
I can feel that you couldn't care less about things that concern us, for if I don't reach out for you, I'll have to wait for what seems an eternity before you find me...

If doing something means you care, does not doing anything means I do NOT care?
Thus, I don't really have to DO things to SHOW that I CARE no?
If nothing is being done for me, and yet I blindly remain ignorant of such a fact,
I can only say that it must be blissful being the one NOT doing anything...

I'll wait....


I'll just wait.... and see if all is not for naught..

Piece~

Ever waning patience~

"There are those that wait on us,
Regardless of what we say or do,
But when left abandoned many times,
Their patience start to run thin too"
- Fai fai No-Reason

Happy new year?

16 days into 2013, and I have yet to make a new year post lol
Happy new year people, albeit a very late wish, I assure you it is with every ounce of sincerity as I would have wished anyone on the first day of the year itself.

What has happened lately?
Well, there's the fact that I lost my bluetooth headset for hands free driving, so I got myself a universal bluetooth headset instead, which costed me quite a bit T.T

Aaaaaaaaaaaand, examZ are around the corner, so I'll just stop here at the moment~
Take care everyone~
Piece~

Friends? What about it?

Enuff said XD

Hey all ^^
How are things on your end?
Notice that people always greet one another and say a simple statement or question to open up a conversation?
A "conversation starter" they call it....
Among the many statements that have been made in my general direction today included:
"Hey~! Just got back from the hospital? So tiring~"
"Ate lunch yet? Was it good?"
"OMG today we actually have 3 hours of class.... Do you know what classes we have today?"
"How are you? Long time no see~!"

Some just stay silent and give a courteous nod to show that they acknowledge my existence before them...
And yet, they remain as "conversation starters" no more, they don't have any actual meaning attached to them~
They take you as an option that they can choose to acknowledge or ignore at will, for that is what you are to them..

"Dispensable"

-meaning," Able to be replaced or done without, OR optional, unnecessary, expendable

So, how can we classify people as someone who isn't an option?
In context, meaning people we call as FRIENDS?
Or are they just people that we barely know?
People who you just talk to once in a while just because you happen to meet them from time to time, or as part of a social commitment that ever so requires our attention, least we do not fear of being isolated and ignore by the rest of society?
Believe me when I say, up to almost 90% of any community at any given time is hungry for attention?
No matter how meager it is, each person has their threshold and need to fulfill this daily quota of "attention".
This can be anything, from a non-significant nod or nonchalant "hie" from someone, or meeting and talking with people at a great length, up to the point of hungry power individuals that want nothing less than to subject everyone to his/her will and give him/her their EVERY OUNCE OF ATTENTION.

So, drawing a line between FRIENDS and ACQUAINTANCES?

Simple...
All friends are acquaintances, but not all acquaintances are friends.
and yet, that simple line is blurring out very quickly these days, making friends a very vague and non-existant word.

Asking for your time, friendship and loyalty?

I think you're better off asking for a shipping container filled to the brim with gold....
Piece~

Fai fai No-Reason's weather forecast:
There are times where the field was greener on the other side, and yet as I look beyond the light rain that chills me to the bone I see no field.
I stand still now, seeking solace in the numbness of the cold, knowing that I only have myself and a precious few to depend on~