Too tired to do anything~

How is it possible that regardless of how much I try to forget how much pain I have endured for the past 6 months, it just keeps coming back?

How is it possible that what was there just died off with a single message?

What was I thinking all those years...


There was a time.. (still do actually) that I used to thing think that happiness if a finite thing.

The theory I had was, is that a person is only allowed to be happy only so much in his/her life.
Maybe they would be having happy childhood, before something happened later on.
Or maybe that person suffered at the hands of the lamentable daily chore we called 'homework' before getting happier with the results achieved and moving on to become a successful person in working life?

An interesting thing to note here, is that this theory applied to EVERYTHING that we see, hear and experience in our daily lives.
As such, you can see here where my dilemma lies, as if this particular 'rule' applies to EVERYTHING, if will happen to me sooner or later~

I was happy for the past 6 years, truly it was a miracle~
That I cruised through my MBBS with not repeating a year, despite my mediocre knowledge, skill and attitude.
I made it through my HOship without experiencing any major hickups and made it possible for me to stand on my own 2 feet without depending on anyone.
I thought my life was getting somewhere now that I have the means to actually do something, especially financially and time wise, since I am finally a medical officer....


and yet...


I feel empty...
I no longer feel what if feels like to feel accomplished anymore.
To be happy just to get that one text message.
I no longer bother meeting people, for fear of rejection and abandonment.
Although I have stayed back those 2 years, in the end I was just taken for a ride and before I know it, it was over just like that~
Who am I to go around bothering people, when I have no longer the right to be happy over such things again?

I feel like I have run out of this finite thing we call 'happiness'?

What is it to be friends?

I just spend some time watching this simple movie~
Granted its not everyone's cup of tea, but the main purpose of the movie is simple enough

A simple question was asked throughout the movie on which the main character constantly ponders...
"Is there a special criteria needed to being friends?"
"What does it mean to be a friend?"
Well.. along those lines (paraphrasing here okaay? toe-may-toe / toe-mah-toe, same thing~)
and yet, he just trudges along and somehow everything got to be okay.
How so?
He chooses to face everyone and own up to his mistakes that he has done in the past.

but then again, the main character has the privilege of having done something wrong to reflect on~

and here I am still pondering why my careful considerations and actions are taken as 'insignificant' and cast aside as 'fear of the unknown' overturns a person's better judgement~

but then again, I am not the main character....

never have been...


never will be~

Piece~

There was....

There was a time when I would have done anything for that one person that mattered...
Where no circumstance or trouble or appointments that would have kept me away, as I would try my level best to be there for that one person..
That only the most longest and most busy night shifts would keep me away from you because I am not in the condition to drive to see you... as the idea that I worry you if something happens to me horrifies me..

There was a time...


There was day when I would just sit be gloomy from all the stress in the world...
and a nonchalant message from you would have lit up my day, and gave me the strength to shoulder on...
but then those messages sporadically appear only when you are bored or you have nothing to do, and makes me wonder sometimes that if I am ever on your mind, if ever at all...

There was a day...


There was that hour when I would just wait patiently with butterflies in my stomach waiting for you to finish seeing your patient..
Knowing that once the hour was up, I would be able to spend time with you and that the long wait and drive over would have been so worth it when I was able to see the light shine off your eye as you reprovingly chastise me for the choice of my clothing...
but then again, it was always me looking forward to see you, and I have trouble recalling the day you waited, and looked up to me with the same adoring expression that I must have had plastered on my face that time~

There was that hour...


There was that minute when if someone asks what my special other does, I would swell up in pride and just go on and on about what she does..
How as much as I would not like to admit it at that moment that my hand skills are inferior to dental hands-on daily practice, that feeling would be drowned out by the mere fact that you were doing something that I might never be able to achieve, even if I restarted my university life all over again..

There was that minute...


There was that moment, when I looked at you and I decided, for all her imperfection and narcissistic qualities, I would still rather have you around after all you have done...
That moment where you delivered that fatal like blow nonchalantly on the very first morning of my life as a MO, and made that joyous occasion turn into something so bitter that no food or consolation or well wishes made it to my consciousness
Where my first birthday at the end of a 8 year grueling journey just filled me with hate, disbelief and betrayal...

There was that moment...


and now all that is gone~
because it never mattered to you more than your pride ever did or allowed...

For all it is worth, may you never experience what you did to me... not because I still care for you or think about you...

But because I feel no one should EVER go though what I did, on that day you abandoned me ever so heartlessly....


No one....

What else should I have done?

It’ll Hurt To Let Go But It Hurts Hanging On
by Kirsten Corle



I can’t keep doing this.

I can’t keep trying so hard.

Maybe I shouldn’t have fallen for you in the first place.

There are a lot of things I probably shouldn’t have done. But I did.
And now here I am the one at the crossroad.

I’m caught somewhere between trying harder and giving up.

I hate the thought of not having you in my life.

I hate the thought of not being able to text you when I feel like.

But what I hate more than that is this feeling of being inadequate.

Always not feeling good enough.
This feeling of no matter how hard I try it’ll be enough to simply catch your attention for a moment or two.

A moment when you’re bored.

A moment when you need a confidence boost.

A moment when you’re lonely and need company.

But those moments that fill space in your life mean nothing to you end up meaning everything to me.

And that’s what I hang onto.
You turn to me at your worst and I give you my best, yet it never seems to be enough.

I can’t keep trying.

I can’t hope one day you’ll wake up and realize.

It hurts to let go. But it also hurts holding onto to someone who isn’t even reaching for me in the slightest.

And maybe I look dumb. But there’s a difference between stupidity and stubbornness.

I want to be right about you.

I want to know this person I see you at on your good days is really who you are to the core.

But then there are moments I don’t even recognize you.

You’re selfish and mean and I don’t know which to believe anymore.
I can’t keep staring at my phone hoping this time you’ll answer.

I can’t keep hoping you’ll be this person I know I deserve.

And I can’t keep hanging onto your good days and dismiss the bad ones.

It kills me to let go. But what will hurt more is the moment I realize I was the only one holding on.

Original link: http://thoughtcatalog.com/kirsten-corley/2017/03/it-hurts-to-let-go-but-it-hurts-hanging-on/

So hello again~

"What in the world are you playing,
By pulling off a stunt like that?
Not everything is your play thing,
Like a mouse entertaining a cat"
- Fai fai No-Reason

And so I hear from you today...

Why?

Why can't you let me grieve in piece?

Why must you torment me so?

Why....

Why...

Taking a piece of me with you is not enough?

Just stop... and I don't have to ask "Why"

I know I deserve better, but you won't let me~

Bored and left behind~

"As there tasty things that we adore,
There are things more sour than lime,
All those talks about wanting more,
Now made jaded and left to fade with time"
- Fai fai No-Reason

Left behind~

"There are things that you hold dear,
There are things that you let go,
We keep those that matter near,
Yet what happens we will never know"
- Fai fai No-Reason

Closure

"What can I say to make others see,
What can I show to let others know,
How much things can matter to me,
How hard it is to let go"
- Fai fai No-Reason

Talking things out may not have made things any easier, but at least it gave some sense of accomplishment
To try and see how it has affected you
and to try and see how it has affected them
If they really mean something to you, I guess we should wish them well even though our lives are not meant to be together
But it will take a long time to heal... If I ever do heal...

Thank you for the memories... it made me feel alive and well~
No thank you for the memories... it just makes me feel broken and abandoned~

It's not like anyone reads blogs anymore, but it's just a place to express oneself

Sudden news that tend to change your life

"Don't know where to go from here,
Don't really know what else to do,
When one's mind is no longer clear,
When things happen with no cue"
- Fai fai No-Reason

It's been awhile *dusts off dust from blog*

So... the reason that made me stay an extra 2 years up here literally gave up one me
Let's just say I was on the loosing end either way

So tell me why?
Why did the news come in such a way?
Why did the sun decided to shine on that very day?
Why did the clouds decide not to rain, causing mud to turn to dry clay?
Why I ask...
Why?

So tell me what?
What did I do for you to shatter my peace?
What did you do to make me suffer like this?
What did the others say to make you doubt all on the factual list?
What I ask...
What?

So tell me how?
How did it spiral till it suffered its demise?
How could you do it by spewing out lies?
How did you let go knowing a part of me dies?
How I ask...
How?

May no one else have to ask such questions~

I want you to want me... is that weird?

It was that response again...
Every time I get such a response from anyone else, it didn't matter, but with you, it stung so hard that in the future I'll admit here that I started thinking and considered what I typed before I sent them to you...
Since when did I started being so non-transparent with you?
Since when?

Everyone else would have just gave some encouraging words when I was down...
but with you, I felt like a long sincere hug and some words of encouragement from time to time would do me wonders.
And when I didn't hear from you at all and pointed it out, you said that I don't know what is going on with you and you have other problems as well...
Then I tried to refrain myself from finding you when I was feeling down, hopeless or crashing into the abyss...
Since when did I have to sty away from you to keep you happy?
Since when?

We used to laugh at dumb things, where we have our own 'inside' joke which a 3rd party who is in the conversation will not be able to pin point our exact reference so as to understand why it was funny in the first place~
I would tell you almost anything that I wanted without any restrain because I know they are safe with you.
I would just open up and let my deepest worries and fears to you because somehow I get a feeling that you will understand...
Now every time I want to voice out something, I have to take your feelings into consideration and gauge the mood before I can say anything...
Since when did I have to be so careful around you?
Since when?

Since when.....

The Endless wait...

"The sun sets at the end of all days,
At sunset we see the day's last light,
One can be cruel in many different ways,
Cruelest still would be vanishing from sight"
- Fai fai No-Reason